Peace at Home #06: The Helpmate Who Stands Against Me
God created man from the dust and he placed him in the Garden. It was very good. Adam lived in a lush paradise, he was surrounded by every kind of tame animal, and he even walked with the Presence of God. He was anything but alone, and yet God says, "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18, ESV) The phrase in the Hebrew, "helper fit for him" literally means, "a helpmate opposite of him", ezer kenegedo.
What in the world does that mean? Aren't husband and wife supposed to be teammates, helping one another, not being opposed to each other?
Some of you, who are in happy marriages, can relate to the helping part. And then there are others, I'm sure, who feel that all their spouse does is stand in opposition to them. And it is not an Eden-like experience by any means.
The Talmud, however, does not allow me to blame my spouse, but it places responsibility back on me. It says, "If man is worthy, the woman will be a helper. If he is unworthy, she will be against him." (B. Yevamot 63a). Likewise for me: If I am a worthy wife, he will be a helper to me. If I am not worthy, he will be against me.
“If the man is worthy, the woman will be a helper. If he is unworthy, she will be against him.”
A man wants to enter into a business deal. His wife stops him, telling him it’s not a good idea; the business deal will demand too much of his time, distracting him from other responsibilities, keeping him away from home, and hurting his relationship with her and their children. Here, his wife stands in opposition to him, but only in order to help him keep his priorities straight for the good of the whole family - and, really, for himself too.
There's a story in the Torah of a rebellion that was mounted against Moses by a man named Korah (Numbers 16). There is one man, named On, who was listed among the men of the rebellion in the beginning (16:1); but later, he is nowhere to be found (16:24). The sages filled in the missing story by telling us that On’s wife opposed him, telling him he was foolish for joining in the rebellion and that he was rebelling against the Lord Himself. On listened to his wife, abandoned Korah, and returned to his tent. His name was removed from their numbers, and the lives of him and his entire household were saved when the earth opened and swallowed up Korah and the others.
It can be compared to two posts that are set up leaning against each other. Their forces are opposing each other, and yet that it is the only way for them to stand at all. Without the help of the other, each will fall flat.
“Seek to understand your spouse, before you demand to be understood yourself.”
Does this give you permission to nag your spouse, to force them to do something they don’t want to do, or berate them into the type of person you want them to be?
You’re missing the point.
Maybe your heart is in the right place; but then your tongue should follow suit. If your speech is nagging and filled with contempt, you will get nowhere, and it’s a dead giveaway for the anger in your own heart.
But if your heart is full of love, you will think compassionately. Rather than nag, ask to study together. Rather than nag, invest your own time into their interests. Rather than nag, ask questions - heartfelt questions, and wait patiently for the reply. Seek to understand your spouse, before you demand to be understood yourself.
The legendary writer Dale Carnegie says that there is only one way to get anyone to do anything - willingly - and that is through affirmation. So speak affirmation and blessing over your spouse or spouse-to-be. And then help them. Be their "Helpmate Opposite him", his or her ezer kenegedo.